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So today I was at a mini workshop called the battered woman, being a new womans rights activist i was more than Glad to attend. Ofcourse I came dressed to kill (Maybe even over dressed)! 32 inches hair 151lbs mango skin doll black lace knee legnth fitted dress size 6 yes I am in a size 6!!!!. I LOOK GOOD & FEEL GOOD! However I was asked to introduce the guest speaker so I had to be there (My good Sunday given up to public speaking)! This meeting was so inspiring and informative it gave me insight as to what my next move should be! I no longer saw my outer beauty but was reminded of my inside scars that I hid so well with a smile! I was reminded of my childhood where my brother fought me any chance he got and never faced any real consequence! I was reminded of the love I wanted from my dady, not money love that i sought out from the men I would date. I was reminded of the BLOWS Alex dad put on me and none of his family could stop him! I was reminded that behind all of this beauty and intellect I had been battered myself! I didnt only take physical blows I took mental blows of not being enough to my mother, being almost the out cast of the family who in everyones mind was going to be a failure!
I then Realized that there are a lot of women like me out here, beautiful but have been broken, there are women like me who would rather lie and say Im happy I am ok because I didnt trust anybody! Out here battling emotionally because they have no one to talk to no one to confide in and AFRAID TO CONFIDE because confiding sometimes brings more damage since not every listening ear is genuine and really cares some ears just need to know that you have problems! What I want to share with you from this meeting is in order to almost be free you have to write down what has burdened you pray for forgiveness and live like you have forgiven. But to ACTUALLY BE FREE YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE!!! Today the speaker said "the story/situation that has been bothering you that has caused you to pray you have to release it and let it Go! It'll be hard but you have to let it Go!" ... Heres ways to aid in the process of letting... yess its called LETTING.... letting it Go Letting it happen! you can write it down for yourself and tear it up but in order to really be released you have to share your story. It doesn't have to be on a worldwide scale it can be at the Pew in a Catholic Church it can be amongst persons of the same view, it can be with a counselor it can even be in an empty box that you've decided to write in. Write and Tear it up if you are not ready to release publically. But make Avenues To Release for your emotional freedom! Its Time to be FREE!!!!
Today I am ready to release I am ready to talk it I am ready to start my new Journey on freedom. I have a better relationship with my whole family, I am almost a Success Story to many! Today my dady is Still my favorite person he's made up for those areas of lack. I get the love i was seeking from him. My mother and I are Workkable... we know that we cannot survive allday every together but we TALK EVERY SINGLE DAY!
From this release I don't want ANY sympathy. I needed this to get where I am Today! I don't want to an" I am sorry".All I want is this story to help young women, to inspire them to live their truth and walk with their heads held high. If you did me wrong You can keep the i am sorry because you are forgiven and sorry is not needed. So a few years ago I got married to my squad mate and in marrying my squad mate I had trials that plenty of times I refused to talk about. I encountered situations that the word embarrassment ment nothing to myself or in my world. The mother of my husband hated my guts. Whether it was merited or not she hated me and that's all that mattered. She spoke to senior officials on the same job that he and I worked on and created a monsterous picture of who I am although she never knew me. Before marrying him I had put my wedding off at least a thousand times. He had asked I said Yes but I had changed my date over and over and no I did not have a money problem. I just wasnt sure! I did not have any Financial issue as it relates to funding my wedding. But something caused me to put off the date, cancel the wedding put it back on and cancel again..... those mixed emotions. I ended up pregnant so boom shotgun wedding! April 14th a day before my birthday I had the wedding of a lifetime I was a beautiful bride Little Rosie stomach most of the persons I consider to be my friends were there. I was surrounded by family my bar was FULL. you know 40 Grand yes about $40,000 on the wedding of a lifetime. I stayed in the hotel for about a week I had the bachelorette party any woman could dream of STRIPPERSS falling everywhere my bridal party was beautiful food came from RIU HOTEL , Hall Decked out, wine and henny pile up... drinks on everything. Let's fast-forward ,wedding over twins born no I didn't go to the bank for my wedding , my dad & mom through came through! my aunt did all the decoration so it wasn't oh I went to the bank to prove a point no I did not OK bonus big spectacular wedding big name entertainer.... wedding party to die for. Sorry i was supposed to fast foward but i just needed you to know I HAD THE WEDDING TO BRAG ABOUT!!! OK FASTFOWARD TWINS BORN everything already going down HILL realities kicking in! Why did I marry this man? did I love him or did I feel sorry for him? what was it? REWIND ALL THE WAY BACK! Initially when I met him he was a battered man, SIMPLE LOOKING, NOT MY TYPE BUT HIS STORIES TOUCHED my whole soul....he told me and my family his mother allowed his stepfather to mistreat him he had no family and he had very few friends his biological father never checked for him (AWWWWWWWW). He wasn't really my type but what I got was he was a nice person I was ready to settle down so we could have maked it work. Fast forward a little more two beautiful daughters are borned after 7 full days of labour, after those two daughters were born I kind of saw him for what he was he was lazy and I had to babysit him I basically was no longer his girlfriend/wife I BECAME his mother. I took on all the motherly duties of him and my three children. That didn't bother me so much because FROM training I was washing his clothes and ironing the only thing he had to do was slick my shoe his shoe and show up to inspection. I found myself washing his entire cabins linens while I washed. Washed his uniform Pressed them EVERY SINGLE DAY. Fast forward some more.....so you can understand how I learnt my lesson. If I left my children with him he would fall asleep and leave them up he couldn't change Pampers couldn't cook not even fry egg. I had three babies on my hand and a husband who was well ... just like another kid! Okay the twins are about 4 months old I take sick I end up with an aneurysm in Doctors Hospital unable to walk the entire left side of my body went dead. My son whose father has been dead for about 2 years is with Mama Rita and my daughters with his mother (SHE LOVED THEM DISPITE DISLIKING ME). I am in the hospital for quite some time (MONTHS) and if this husband of mines visited me four times he visited me plenty.. this SAME HUSBAND could be in a popular bar off Carmichael Road called the Beagle but couldn't come and visit his bedridden wife. Finally I'm able to come OUT I WENT to the states Jackson Memorial NEUROGICAL to get myself together! I'm intentionally missing out parts that I feel isn't relevant. His mother that didn't like me visited me one time she came with a Female Officer that she told all kinds of stuff who (the female officer from my job) out right says she doesn't like me either (never had a conversation with me but dislikes me because someone told her something). This particular visit I was told to give my life to Christ because blood all through my head and I could Die!!!! I ACTUALLY WITH MY VOUNERABLE HIP WAS PREPARING FOR DEATH SMT!!!!! I began to test the waters in an alternative lifestyle just to see how'd it'll go.This husband of mine is doing him EVEN IF IT NEEDS TO BE DONE IN MY MARITAL HOME...so I'm doing me *I'm no saint... care was no longer there so i am doing me! Finally (YES FINALLY) we broke up. After breaking up my six year old was told that he was not his father, of course my child KNEW THIS... HIS DAD IS DEAD BUT WHO DOES THAT TO KIDS? why does a big Grown fool say this to a child? (This is the child that been with me in the salvation army that slwpt with me in a car that lived in dragons with me!!!! This was a child that only had me so YALL WUD KNOW THIS MEANS WARRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)!. He blocked me on Facebook put up a woman picture very very very soon of course my co-workers being the newsy trapsy vindictive people that they are they sent me that picture. I didnt care! I was a whole Lesbian.... why does it matter!!!!???? I remember working A&E and things were so bad for me. I struggled to provide but i couldnt sleep around for money although I actually needed it. So one day I called him and I said listen I need you to at least help and watch them atleast if you aint giving me your money, he said to me drop them by my mommy.... so on my way to work I drop my daughters off no issue in my mind boom operations calls me and says that I must go pick my kids that i dropped off without permission. WHAT IN THE WHOLE FUCK!!!!! Thats all im thinking... ofcourse im at rage temper on 1000. . What grandmother or even father would report children coming to them. So because they decided to be spiteful I said forget them. I ment that whole heartedly. I said they mussy think ise a Pussy or my kids need them.my kids aint never going bk! So my cuzn moves in and becomes my baby dady .... well continuing to go down hill.... I remember coming to the job where I worked hard for so many years.... Im a work horse if you know me... i LOVE TO WORK!!! I PUT MY ALL IN MY WORKKKK.... I LOOK OUT FOR ANYONE JR ME ALWAYS..its my responsibility!.. Now its time for my seniors to look out for me! So i made a Verbal complaint ended up in a meeting with me my po his co and him just to get funds! Yall would laugh if you knew how much i asked for for my kids that attend private school and needs groceries for a month... Im to shame to say that I asked for pennies! But i did I asked for chicken feed.. but hold on!! Could you believe, my job has provisions in our ACTS & REGULATIONS to ensure he takes care his kids... ??? Would you believe if i say I DIDNOT GET A PENNY..... Do you believe the officer told me to go to court?? Sounds make believe but its all True! Well The female who visited me to the hospital with his mother insured he didn't give me a penny through this job (I could be wrong that its her that knocked it down but this intuition on mines..IS HARDLY EVER WRONG!!!!!... ) someone senior his C/O knocked that out the park... So let me fast forward a little of course I didn't get the financial help from the job I went to court he would miss court dates of course.. and this gets tiring when he comes to court its ALWAYS some foolishness! I would always question how could a man who didnt have a father not care to take care of his daughters!!!How could someone who claimed to be mistreated mistreat Two Beautiful Innocent Little Girls?????!! How could he sleep not knowing how clothing is bought school fees are paid how they get to band or get picked up or dropped off from school! Sadly today I am still not divorced when he's asked he usually tells some lie and says it's me... Im the REASON and for me that's fine I'm cool with it. Rewinding again I remember him jumping through my Windows to damage my stuff ...DID I SEND HIM TO JAIL NO??!!!...every car he drove I bought except the black honda which got stolen. I never bought them for him they were mines but i didnt have a liscence So little old dumb me places my cars in his name. He wrote off my coupe and sold it for nickles. Wasnt even decent enough to come home after writting my car off he sent it home with the reckor. A month or so After we broke up.he wanted to buy a car from a squadmate of mines we agreed he would pay me back but would assist in getting the kids to school, today i dont care to be paid back!! He was always the victim Today he is still the victim and because I looked aggressive I speak aggressively people would automatically take his side. Now I am not a saint. I use to row oh yeaaaa hell i wud row! Throwing blows ment nothing. I cant beat him... couldnt at anypoint! I didn't care I still don't care. I realized to keep my relationship / personal life off of the Royal Bahamas Defence Force I learnt that the Padres office wasn't safe* You know the song it aint safe it aint safe* that plays when ever that office is spoken of because if you confide in them the world will know your business (in my opinion). I knew that my relationship with him would affect my Carrer so I performed a mental funeral for him! Big wake where i ate pig feet and drank henny and funeral with no tears! An african funeral ..... i one droping and ticktocking at the grave... He was dead to me. Some days I understood CLEARLY why TLC burnt that place to the ground I REALLY do. I got job change again to a ship.. .. sometimes I would Sail for 28 days . 30plus days pay in mind I'm so not getting any financial help from him nor physical help from him but still would go to sea. When I go out to sea I have to leave my children (Twins) with a male chief from my job.... (My girls call him dady by the way) and his daughter (best gody in the world! My kids never miss a bdf softball game). I realized that it wasn't even worth communicating with him after he had removed me from the government insurance which he pays no money for. Why remove a woman whose had two anyeurisms? So think of this the insurance is free but you take the woman who takes care of your children alone off? And ofcourse hes still fully covered on my end! I'll take him off once we're officially divorced!!!!? Let me backtrack I didn't understand why a lot of persons had the strongest dislike towards me... but it was always because of what somebody else told them nothing to do with what I said or did that could have been proven. At one point I cared. I needed them to like me!! I actually cared !!!! Wow! Thank God for change! Sorry i got side tracked back to the story He went out of his way creating enemies for me! I had one of my friends who was my friend for about 13 to 14 years go to his (My husband) girlfriend and said that I said I would kill her.... kill her for what and he's dead to me. This husband and the woman goes to CDU AND REPORTS ME FOR 3RD HAND DEATH THREATS!! he told her (HIS GF) hes not even married to me. He took her to a lawfirm or some sort of office that proved it. GUESS WHAT HES NOT DOING ANYTHING FOR MY KIDS BUT THROWING PARTY FOR HIS GF!! Well what a Time. .. Rewind I confronted my friend she swore that was not the case. The girlfriend proved she had come looking for her to bring this news... .hence I had another mental Funeral! i I had to let that friend go and leave her to God. It took me about 3 years to really go in another relationship with a man. I was prepared to do anything to ensure that my children had no needs now when i say anything I mean anything... we wont STRUGGLE!. I wasn't afraid of God punishing Because at this point i had already blamed him for allowing me to go through hell!!!!! Not realizing i did this to myself! I DIDNT PUT HIM FIRST SO HE DIDNT HAVE A NEED TO SHEILD ME! I knew my children needed to eat and me raising three kids alone would not be easy so I have no support from the job anything right about now is anything. I remember a different female officer (not the visitor)saying she is crazy *Me* her husband *Him* is crazy and that is why she's always sick. (These are the people who should protect me..... all them gold bars and thats what you really saying sis???!! That's enough I yelled in my head... The HELL WITH THIS WHOLE ORGANIZATION. They dont care!!!!!!! More events happened BUT ONE GREAT THING HAPPENED I stopped liking Girlsss THANK GOD !!!(Ladies dont let disappointments make you a sisy you will get more disappointment. Only do it if you genuinely like girls. I WASNT GENUINE.... If you're a Female and I ever played with your feelings I am sorry! I was broken.... prepared to break anyone! None of you deserved those games I ran!) I then WAS MADE TO understand this man was Sure to destroy me by any means necessary. Anybody who disliked me he made it his business to become their friend. my X the only man I loved beside my dady . My husband would friend any of his girlfriends or ex-girlfriends he would find ways to communicate with just to have a story. What man does that!who goes looking to find out stuff about someone they're ensuring struggles??!!!! You already left me to be a Single mother of not 1 or 2 but 3! You have never been dependable! What more do you want????BLOODDDDD??? When asked he swears he takes care of my children. I even stopped speaking to one of my squadmates Who i loved so dearly because she knew of the battles I had faced she was there many days when I had to find things ALONE....shes seen me Struggle shes seen my tears but she still decides that its kool to take a side! tea length
Up too late last year I really disliked him because he would say things like I'm an unfit mother.... anything NEGATIVE about me he said! I mean words to tear me down! he would find ANYTHING to say but he would never brag about how his children have no needs and he doesn't contribute... he would never say how he told many lies on me someof the things he said..he would never Brag how his kids are doing Well wear the best have the best and llive like royalty.. I ACTUALLY DID some shit i was accused of but 95% of the things I didn't do I remember having to go to Social services....SOCIAL FKN SERVICES....SMH.... that part almost made me emotional.... do me in, but do not mess with my Kids. It was okay for him to sleep with females on the job who knew me and worked very closely with me but the minute I go in a relationship with a Marine... I am a whore. A RBDF WHORE!!! YUPPPP MEEEEEEE ISE A WHORE. Hes just mad because he didnt Realize i was a Fake sisy just passing time, who loved dick and was eventually gonna be back at it!.. It was hillarious at first but it was also insulting to my character!
I found myself living to please the common man instead of making Carlisa happy. today I can proudly say I do not hate him. If he never ever brings a dollar I do not care what I want to say to him is thank you for changing my life, my mindset of who I should be and what I should do, thank you for proving to me that I do not need a man. Thank you for forcing me to see my inner beauty! Thank you for helping me find and learn my own worth & Value.Thank you for proving that I could do this alone. This post is not to bash him or anyone else.... I was finally able to tell a peice of my story! I realized i never loved him! I cared for him I had sex with him I had kids with him but I NEVER LOVED HIM! I JUST LEARNT What love was in my last Relationship. what I want you to get from this post ladies is you must do whatever you want to make you happy I got married because I was having twins and society would look at me like oh she's having these bunch of children and isn't married. I was So worried about people I stayed with him even after we fought and he would lock me in the house and military police have to take me out the house .....even after he slept around I stayed because I wanted people to think that I had this Lala loving happy relationship! On Facebook the pictures were all smiles but when I was on the phone many nights until 5 a.m. with my cousin Toya because my man would not come home I was alone, when I was emotionally torn and had to hide it there was nobody the people who I was worrying about was not there when I was about to lose myself! I want you to young ladies to know it doesn't hurt to be alone. Being alone doesn't mean lonely You have to be able to be alone and enjoy it before you can truly love anybody else. You aren't free until the opinions of others do not matter. People will do you wrong but you have to forgive them for you! If you want peace and to be at peace. I had to forgive him I had to forgive my ass! Yes I had to forgive myself!!! I had to forgive persons who wanted to be my enemy for no real reason. I had to forgive his mother. I had to forgive my old friends.I had to forgive some of my squadmates I had actually forgave them. I had to!!!
I am not perfect I refuse to play like I am but I have learnt so much that made me who I am today. Nobody could ever look at me and see the battles that I faced. Nobody would know that there were nights I cried myself to sleep asking God to take me to relinquish me of these burdens. Nobody believed that there were days when i felt like this is too much there were days I wanted to die. The woman who could have been there for everyone who would have taken her shirt off for a Complete Stranger could not even be there for herself. It took hurt and pain for me to actually love myself for me I wouldn't want anyone to get where I got in life emotionally. ladies respect yourself enough to let go of anybody or anything that doesn't bring you peace, if it hurts take a break ,if you have to question it Let It Go! love does not bring pain love does not hurt a man who loves you will not put you through war he will only bring peace...if you have to battle he only loves himself. No need to inbox me I'm not looking for sympathy I am free. I pray for him to become free. I pray that he releases me like I've released him. I pray that the next relationship I go in he isn't obsessed with. I apologized to him even when I didn't do wrong but today I am apologizing to myself I apologize for begging people to stay I apologize for trying to prove that I am worth what I am! I apologize for trying to make anyone like me. I am happy for Those of you who knew what I went through and didn't make a laughing stock out of me. I am thankful for those who helped me when my kids had nothing I am free I am happy I am at peace
Ladies learn to be Single! Learn to love yourself! FORGIVE YOURSELF TRUST YOURSELF AND MOST IMPORTANTLY VALUE YOURSELF!!
You cant heal if you keep covering the scars! Bandages only goes easy on the eye those cuts have to air out!
In your 20's chase your dreams i was chasing man (love and a family)! I BASED MY VALUE ON WHETHER OR NOT I HAD A MAN! Ladies do not do this! You are Whole and Valuable even if you're single! You dont need to accomplish everything but you must start accomplishing somethings!!!!!..
Oh and all of the relationships worked out for the best... his mother no longer hates me!!! I think she sees!
so one last lesson there aint nothing time cant heal!!!
Remember we are Queens the builders of the world! So we have to treat our body mind and souls like such... work on your inner beauty